The Website Has Moved

Sorry mother fuckers, we have moved on to bigger and better. We have relocated and now our URL is http://goldensombreroblogs.com

Expect the same quality material.

With Love

Salzsquatch

Hot Jam of The Day

Sky Box: In A Dream

This jam comes courtesy of my roommate Fat Greg, he claims he found if off that app Tap Tap Revolution, either way jam city.

An Outkast Reunion Tour is The Best News You'll Hear All Day

So news came out recently that Outkast was head lining Coachella which is outstanding news, but to make my day even better they've decided to add 40 Festivals across the nation to headline throughout the year as well. Roses, Hey Ya, Sorry Ms. Jackson, The Way You Move... que a Fudge random boner. Holy shit, to see these two live would make my entire life. I'd pay any dollar amount to go to one of the 40 festivals they are performing at. Outkast, so hot right now.

P.S. by saying I'd pay any dollar amount I really mean I'd pay like $47. Same thing though right.

Dwayne Wade Does It Again...

I was wondering what was going wrong in my life the last couple weeks, and I finally just realized what is was. The Miami Heat hadn't made national news for doing something incredibly douchey in the last two weeks. Well no worries world, here it is. Dwayne Wade threw himself a birthday party on a three story yacht named "Way Of Wade" (which I'm not even sure what that fucking means). Most confusing part of this is I can't tell if I hate the matching jacket move or if I just absolutely love it.

Weird

High School Couch Picture Taking You Into The Salzsquatch Vacation

Golden picture top to bottom.

The Salzsquatch is headed to California tomorrow until Sunday night and will be MIA on the blog scene. See you bitches on Monday with Salz Bros Radio Episode 3. GO STALLIONS!

Man Murders Stepfather Via Atomic Wedgie, Because You Know, Whatever

Original Story

Nothing like a good ole' atomic wedgie to flat out massacre your family dynamic. Brad Lee Davis was just pulling a casual prank on his stepfather when he gave him a wedgie of absolutely epic proportions. Next thing you know we have a dead dude lying around with his drawers wrapped around his head. Just going to be frank here and say that Davis did nothing wrong. The real villain here is the underwear that his step dad, Denver St. Clair was wearing that enabled this to be possible. What kind of serial killer under garments is a dude wearing that can legit stretch from his gooch region to the top of his head? Still scratching my head on that one.

P.S. How sad is it that a guy with the most bad ass name of all time in Denver St. Clair dies via underwear. Parents probably thought that he'd die in a tragic encounter with a bear. This entire story is a let down for all parties involved. 

Insane Clown Posse Wants Everyone To Know Their Fans Aren't In A Gang

Original Story

The ICP has a beef with the FBI and they don't care who knows. The hardcore rap group has apparently had enough with the Bureau considering their fans as gang members and has formally sued for it. So you're telling me that a duo of dudes named Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, who consider themselves "wicked clowns", classify their music as horror rap, and have a legion of obsessive, face painting, fans called Juggalos are someone who is an authority on what can be considered a violent gang? Sounds good to me dude! I say we just let these two handle everything from now on. Hey Kim Jong Un, mind holding this briefcase full of nuclear missile launch codes? Totally have faith you're not going to use them all just simply because you told me so. These two need to be straight institutionalized and hopefully euthanized. And don't even get me started on the "Juggalos". Biggest disgrace of human life I've ever seen. New idea that can turn the Obama administration around, just nuke the next Carnival of Souls and end this debate for good. While you're at it nuke Oklahoma. Kill two birds with one stone.

Nauseous

Dennis Rodman Goes Publicly Insane... Again

This video is so classic. Dennis Rodman has officially gone off the deep end again and that essentially means two Christmases. The guy has been to North Korea like 25 times this year and still can't explain why he's going to North Korea. I absolutely love when Chris Cuomo just keeps asking him the same question and Rodman has no clue where he is. And you have to love the fact that his posse all are trying to rescue the situation and Dennis is having absolutely none of it. Just has to have the spotlight, no worries bros, he's got this. The best part of the entire video though? Rodman's cigar that is totally not lit in the slightest. Guy just has to have a stogie on him at all times to let us know that he's rich and we're not.

P.S. I'm now blogging like this forever:

Unlit cigars for life!!!

P.P.S. Yes, I'm wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday during Salz Bros Radio. No shame to double stacking shirts at all.

Dee Dee McCarron Asks What Everyone Is Thinking

Original Story

Everyone's favorite SEC mom tweeted this out last night and everyone is pissed off about how the McCarrons are super racist and all that nonsense. Being the celebrity (?) that Dee Dee is, she had to do damage control and deleted the tweet. That just makes me pissed off. You're telling me that while watching him post game  you didn't think the exact same thing? The fact that a lady can't think that Jameis Winston is a fucking illiterate retard and tweet it out to the masses is just a god damn shame.

Yeah totally dude!!! 

Yarmulke Wearing Northwestern Basketball Player Makes National News

Original Story

Before I say anything, I want to preface this blog by saying I'm not a Jew hater. That being said, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Aaron Lieberman makes national news for wearing a Yarmulke (which honestly is not how that word should be spelled in the slightest. Super frustrating to continually spell that wrong). How is a guy wearing a tiny hat newsworthy? I'll tell you why. The internet is run by Jewish people. Straight up accept it world. A guy that didn't do anything for the 1 minute of total time he logged in a 20 point loss makes national news. Meanwhile, I am on my couch spitting blog magic daily and probably couldn't even get the local high school women's basketball coach to make an appearance on Salz Bro's Radio. Shows you where the world has it's fucking priorities. Shameful.

P.S. How about the part in the article where they talk about how he sometimes has to walk 8 miles to practice because he can't use electricity certain times because of being Jewish (didn't know that was real). Such a squid move it's unreal.

Emma Watson Is Single... I'm So In It Hurts

Original Story

Single and ready to fuck, plain and simple. Anyone who's anyone knows that I have had Hermione in my cross hairs since "Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone". Would rather hold her hand then bang any Victoria's Secret model. Does that make me a gay ball? Better yet do I even fucking care if that makes me a gay ball? Not at all. I loved Hermione before loving witches was cool. I haven't been this excited since I discovered that something happens from rubbing your penis really fast for 4 minutes. I don't care if Hermione is most likely a dead fish in the sack, nothing will stop this obsession. And now that my blog has like 20 regular viewers and our radio show had two people watching live today, I am essentially a celebrity on the internet. Game over.

P.S. Was that dick joke to much? No shame to my game, just curious.

Salz Bros Radio Episode 2

New radio show, hope you enjoy it. Thanks for watching a reading the blog. We are always open to new questions and would love some suggestions. Comment below and let us know ideas for content. 

Thanks again and go Cowboys.

Is This The Greatest Tailgate Move In The History Of Tailgating??

Such a power move here. Three old bros and some old hag dominating the tailgate scene in Philly. Some suckers go to the game early to grill in the parking lot, and freeze their dicks off, but no, not these guys. 80 years into their long existence, they finally figured it out. Go to Hot Tub City, and bask in the glory. Great play by these guys, but what's their move when it's time to get out, cause lord knows there's absolutely nothing worse then going from a glorious hot tub sesh to the freezing cold tundra of sub zero temps. Bravo boys, bravo. Live it up while you can, but I'm giving no symp to them when they finally do have to get out.

Watch Out Gay Community, Ricky Martin Is Back On The Market

The word around the internet is that Ricky Martin has broken up with his long time boyfriend whose name no one cares about. All that matters is straight Ricky Martin baby. The man who basically made being a famous gay person cool is back on the market and honestly I'd be scared to even be straight and live in the same city as this man. That flow, that Livin La Vida Loca swag, irresistible. Now I am not going to say I'd get the gay for Ricky Martin if he asked me to, but I'd totally get the gay for Ricky Martin if he asked me to.

PARTY TIME BABY!!!!

Jerry Jones Supports Expanding Playoffs...UGH

Original Story

Less than 24 hours after I post my Token Cowboys Blog, Jerry comes out and just blows my mind with how intelligent he is. Hmm... You're telling me that the owner/GM of a team that has just barely missed out on the playoffs the last 3 years wishes that they allowed more teams into said playoffs? Didn't see that shit coming. Hey Jerry, instead of praying they expand the playoffs how about you just make your team better. I know your mind might be blown here, but it is possible to not field the exact same roster year after year (new theory by me, Jerry Jones doesn't know that Free Agency is a thing. Just thinks you can only trade and draft people). The NFL expanding the playoffs to let more teams in is like One Direction letting Drew Brees into their "band" (is that what you call them, I don't a word to describe a group of perfect). You don't mess with perfection Jerry. 1D knows that, Drew Brees knows that, and everyone but you knows that.

Nobody puts One Direction (Salzsquatch) in the corner. 

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Bro Whose BAC Was Too High To Calculate?

Original Story

What's more impressive than Texas A&M's crazy second half comeback in the Chick-Fil-
A Bowl? Levi Carter being so tanked that a breathalyzer can't register his BAC, that's what. Police say they got a call from a woman with Carter saying he was running down street signs in his car. Where do they find him? Sitting in his basement hanging out with a bunch of buddies. Oh wait, he was hanging out with literally nobody. So wasted he was just talking to a room full of no one. Naturally police become curious of just how much alcohol Levi Carter knocked back previous to driving. "Oh just two Bud Lights" (which is the exact response every person of all time has had when asked how much they've had to drink by a cop). The last reading on Carter's breathalyzer was .467 before it just read "HI". I guess the inventors over at Breathalyzer USA can't fathom anyone blowing higher then a .47, just not possible. Well Levi Carter isn't one to let boundaries get in his way. He blows his way to the highest BAC ever. Congrats buddy.

Airport drunk dude didn't even blow a .467. Fact

Token Cowboys Blog

Man what a shitty year. Which actually is identical to the past three years, but I guess this one just hurts the most. I know I promised I was staying away from the Cowboys for the next couple weeks, but I can't even win with them in Madden right now so I just felt the need to blog some fire. Despite finishing 8-8 like the two seasons before, this season felt different in the sense that I don't think Dallas has been let down as much in the past. Injuries plagued our defense and frankly there were maybe two bright spots the whole season: Dez is an animal and Jerry is one year closer to death. Dallas fans, who are notoriously fanatic about the Boys, are even not tuning into games. Dallas recently ranked 16th in the NFL in local TV ratings. For a team that is supposedly "America's Team" the Cowboys can hardly lock down their own market. And the title of "America's Team" is even up for grabs now. In a recent CBS Sports poll, the Cowboy's ranked as the most hated team in the NFL. And why should any Dallas fan be surprised? The Cowboy's are consistently in the top five in the NFL favored to win the Super Bowl at the start of the year, despite being mediocre for the last ten plus seasons. This offseason needs to be a big one. But with dwindling cap space and an ignorant fuck running the team, it's most likely up to the current squad to turn things around. Good luck with that. Of course I am super cynical now, but come this summer you bet your ass I'll quote my man Couch and simply yell from the roof tops "Cowboy's are the best team in the NFL". Here's to next year fuckers. 

Japan Just Proving Once Again That They Are The Masters Of Entertainment

Already best sports/ television/ Jap moment of 2014 and it won't be close. Just typical Japan just spitting in everyone's faces saying that they know better then us about what is awesome. And they are completely right. For those of you reading this on your phone, without access to the video, shame on you. Two professional soccer players go 2 vs 33 and score pretty easily. What does Japan do next? If you guessed send out 22 more kids that were just diabolically waiting in the wings to come smash faces then you are correct. Absolutely gold video and keep doing you Japan, couldn't be more impressed honestly.

Yahoo Finance Releases It's Best And Worst Run Cities List

Original Story

The yearly list is out, and I'm amped up. Favorite time of the year is knowing that the city I live in isn't being run into the fucking ground. No surprise to anyone that my hometown, Plano, TX comes in hot at number three for like the billionth year straight. Best part of the list though? Looking at what cities are minutes away from being in complete and utter anarchy. Obviously Detroit made the list. Was anyone surprised there? Negative. I didn't even know that cities being bankrupt was possible, but Detroit was determined to show everyone just how shitty they were. Oh and if you read that list you're computer is not doubt covered in whatever liquid you were drinking because you saw that Detroit came in at number two. NUMBER TWO! Number one? San Bernardino, California. How fucking shitty are the people in charge of San Bernardino if they can't even out city Detroit. I just imagine a room full of the most inept people in history. Don't have specifics, but I'd like to think it's Jerry Jones, Psy, and Snooki before she got hot. Dream team.

Who do you think is running things in San Bernardino?

14 Year Old Power Lifter Makes Headlines

Original Story

Hate stories like this, absolutely hate them. This little guy is making news for being a power lifter at the tender age of 14. So I guess it's news now when a person is in shape? Because power lifting is not even in the same ball park as a sport. How is laying around lifting weights all day a sport? Takes no coordination, takes no skill. Anyone can be a body builder if they just sacrifice any other part of their life and focus on roids. Oh you want to become internet famous? Just go sit in the fucking gym all day. Plus isn't being jacked totally five years ago? Everyone whose anyone knows that it's all about the frat gut game now. Not fat, but not skinny. Just kinda hanging in the middle. Someone shoot this dude the memo.

P.S. This dude is totally fat in like 8 years. Can see it in his face for miles.

Lady In Seattle Eats Only Starbucks For A Year

Original Story

Well it took until 7:44 central time for me to find something I felt was blog worthy, and oh my God does this qualify. "Salzsqutch, who cares about some lady munching down muffins and cardboard paper-esque breakfast sandwiches for 365 days?" is what 90% of you are asking yourself. Well first off I'm not quite sure how this broad pulled this off seeing that every Starbucks I've ever been to has maybe 8 things to eat. I guess when you're free spirited enough to live in Seattle, everything coffee related just becomes way better then the dog food the rest of us peasants enjoy by not residing in the Pacific Northwest. And don't even get me started on the fact that the woman's name is "Beautiful Existence". Yep you read that correctly. This leads me to the next question. How much acid was dropped in this household while this chick was in the womb? Parents had to be tripping straight balls for 9 months and then just pulled this name out of their asses right? May be even worse if she changed her name to this. How full of herself is Existence if she thinks that shit is going to fly? Legit reminds me of field trips to Native American museums when you had to come up with your Indian name. Fun stuff.

P.S. Beautiful Existence's resolution for 2014? Learn every sport from some national rec sports list. Imagine it'll look something like this:

Pope Francis Has The Fix In On Awards This Year

Original Story

It's officially official (not a typo, legit mean that). Pope Francis no joke has the fix in on the magazine awards this year. First he steals the rug out from under Miley on being Time's person of the year. Next thing he does is pull an absolute Stern move and wins Esquire's best dressed man of 2013 award. That for sure shouldn't even be possible. The dude has worn the SAME THING FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR!!!! He has the same outfit every fucking day. And even better, it's the same thing that every pope in the history of forever has worn. What Esquire is telling every man out there, is that if you go buy a white tunic and a little scalp hat you're set on the pussy getting game for an entire year. Even further down the scale on being absolutely diabolical is Esquire's reasoning for giving the Pope the award. And I quote "the Pope's sartorial decisions have subtly signaled a new era for the Catholic Church.". The fine folks at Esquire are legit saying that his clothing choices have made more people dig the Church. Even if that was a thing, I could maybe get behind it like the first month. Be all "No worries man, totally not weird you've worn the same outfit every single day since you've been elected to this prestigious position. This month was fire, what's next months look?". First of the month rolls around and what happens? Pope Francis rolls up wearing the same fucking get-up. Being basically a savant of style, I am drying this out for sure. And guess what Pope, when you try and sneak a fix in on the Salzsquatch, do a better job and maybe nominate yourself for something like "Best Scalp Hat of 2013". That is something I could get behind.

Fatties Want A Plus Sized Barbie Created

Original Story

Lets ring in 2014 with a solid what the fuck story. Some organization called Plus-Size-Models posted this image on Facebook and people are having major mixed reactions. Anyone who has a fucking brain is saying that this idea is the worst, the absolute worst. How can anyone even think this idea is solid? A fattie barbie? What maniacal parent would buy this shit for their daughter (or son, not sexist here at Black Stallion headquarters). Plain and simple, this idea was created by people who are to lazy to get skinny and want to add a plus sized Barbie into the mix to make them feel better. This is a mighty slippery slope. Start with chubs Barbies and next thing you know society is going to move all medieval on us and fat chicks will be the hot ones. Can't even imagine a world where a lady pushing 2 hundy sticks is seen as a dime piece. Sad day.