Token Cowboys Blog

Man what a shitty year. Which actually is identical to the past three years, but I guess this one just hurts the most. I know I promised I was staying away from the Cowboys for the next couple weeks, but I can't even win with them in Madden right now so I just felt the need to blog some fire. Despite finishing 8-8 like the two seasons before, this season felt different in the sense that I don't think Dallas has been let down as much in the past. Injuries plagued our defense and frankly there were maybe two bright spots the whole season: Dez is an animal and Jerry is one year closer to death. Dallas fans, who are notoriously fanatic about the Boys, are even not tuning into games. Dallas recently ranked 16th in the NFL in local TV ratings. For a team that is supposedly "America's Team" the Cowboys can hardly lock down their own market. And the title of "America's Team" is even up for grabs now. In a recent CBS Sports poll, the Cowboy's ranked as the most hated team in the NFL. And why should any Dallas fan be surprised? The Cowboy's are consistently in the top five in the NFL favored to win the Super Bowl at the start of the year, despite being mediocre for the last ten plus seasons. This offseason needs to be a big one. But with dwindling cap space and an ignorant fuck running the team, it's most likely up to the current squad to turn things around. Good luck with that. Of course I am super cynical now, but come this summer you bet your ass I'll quote my man Couch and simply yell from the roof tops "Cowboy's are the best team in the NFL". Here's to next year fuckers. 

Japan Just Proving Once Again That They Are The Masters Of Entertainment

Already best sports/ television/ Jap moment of 2014 and it won't be close. Just typical Japan just spitting in everyone's faces saying that they know better then us about what is awesome. And they are completely right. For those of you reading this on your phone, without access to the video, shame on you. Two professional soccer players go 2 vs 33 and score pretty easily. What does Japan do next? If you guessed send out 22 more kids that were just diabolically waiting in the wings to come smash faces then you are correct. Absolutely gold video and keep doing you Japan, couldn't be more impressed honestly.

Yahoo Finance Releases It's Best And Worst Run Cities List

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The yearly list is out, and I'm amped up. Favorite time of the year is knowing that the city I live in isn't being run into the fucking ground. No surprise to anyone that my hometown, Plano, TX comes in hot at number three for like the billionth year straight. Best part of the list though? Looking at what cities are minutes away from being in complete and utter anarchy. Obviously Detroit made the list. Was anyone surprised there? Negative. I didn't even know that cities being bankrupt was possible, but Detroit was determined to show everyone just how shitty they were. Oh and if you read that list you're computer is not doubt covered in whatever liquid you were drinking because you saw that Detroit came in at number two. NUMBER TWO! Number one? San Bernardino, California. How fucking shitty are the people in charge of San Bernardino if they can't even out city Detroit. I just imagine a room full of the most inept people in history. Don't have specifics, but I'd like to think it's Jerry Jones, Psy, and Snooki before she got hot. Dream team.

Who do you think is running things in San Bernardino?

14 Year Old Power Lifter Makes Headlines

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Hate stories like this, absolutely hate them. This little guy is making news for being a power lifter at the tender age of 14. So I guess it's news now when a person is in shape? Because power lifting is not even in the same ball park as a sport. How is laying around lifting weights all day a sport? Takes no coordination, takes no skill. Anyone can be a body builder if they just sacrifice any other part of their life and focus on roids. Oh you want to become internet famous? Just go sit in the fucking gym all day. Plus isn't being jacked totally five years ago? Everyone whose anyone knows that it's all about the frat gut game now. Not fat, but not skinny. Just kinda hanging in the middle. Someone shoot this dude the memo.

P.S. This dude is totally fat in like 8 years. Can see it in his face for miles.

Lady In Seattle Eats Only Starbucks For A Year

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Well it took until 7:44 central time for me to find something I felt was blog worthy, and oh my God does this qualify. "Salzsqutch, who cares about some lady munching down muffins and cardboard paper-esque breakfast sandwiches for 365 days?" is what 90% of you are asking yourself. Well first off I'm not quite sure how this broad pulled this off seeing that every Starbucks I've ever been to has maybe 8 things to eat. I guess when you're free spirited enough to live in Seattle, everything coffee related just becomes way better then the dog food the rest of us peasants enjoy by not residing in the Pacific Northwest. And don't even get me started on the fact that the woman's name is "Beautiful Existence". Yep you read that correctly. This leads me to the next question. How much acid was dropped in this household while this chick was in the womb? Parents had to be tripping straight balls for 9 months and then just pulled this name out of their asses right? May be even worse if she changed her name to this. How full of herself is Existence if she thinks that shit is going to fly? Legit reminds me of field trips to Native American museums when you had to come up with your Indian name. Fun stuff.

P.S. Beautiful Existence's resolution for 2014? Learn every sport from some national rec sports list. Imagine it'll look something like this:

Pope Francis Has The Fix In On Awards This Year

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It's officially official (not a typo, legit mean that). Pope Francis no joke has the fix in on the magazine awards this year. First he steals the rug out from under Miley on being Time's person of the year. Next thing he does is pull an absolute Stern move and wins Esquire's best dressed man of 2013 award. That for sure shouldn't even be possible. The dude has worn the SAME THING FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR!!!! He has the same outfit every fucking day. And even better, it's the same thing that every pope in the history of forever has worn. What Esquire is telling every man out there, is that if you go buy a white tunic and a little scalp hat you're set on the pussy getting game for an entire year. Even further down the scale on being absolutely diabolical is Esquire's reasoning for giving the Pope the award. And I quote "the Pope's sartorial decisions have subtly signaled a new era for the Catholic Church.". The fine folks at Esquire are legit saying that his clothing choices have made more people dig the Church. Even if that was a thing, I could maybe get behind it like the first month. Be all "No worries man, totally not weird you've worn the same outfit every single day since you've been elected to this prestigious position. This month was fire, what's next months look?". First of the month rolls around and what happens? Pope Francis rolls up wearing the same fucking get-up. Being basically a savant of style, I am drying this out for sure. And guess what Pope, when you try and sneak a fix in on the Salzsquatch, do a better job and maybe nominate yourself for something like "Best Scalp Hat of 2013". That is something I could get behind.

Fatties Want A Plus Sized Barbie Created

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Lets ring in 2014 with a solid what the fuck story. Some organization called Plus-Size-Models posted this image on Facebook and people are having major mixed reactions. Anyone who has a fucking brain is saying that this idea is the worst, the absolute worst. How can anyone even think this idea is solid? A fattie barbie? What maniacal parent would buy this shit for their daughter (or son, not sexist here at Black Stallion headquarters). Plain and simple, this idea was created by people who are to lazy to get skinny and want to add a plus sized Barbie into the mix to make them feel better. This is a mighty slippery slope. Start with chubs Barbies and next thing you know society is going to move all medieval on us and fat chicks will be the hot ones. Can't even imagine a world where a lady pushing 2 hundy sticks is seen as a dime piece. Sad day.