TMNT Super Fan Secures Funds To Throw Epic Party 22 Years In The Making

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Found this story this morning and my jaw just dropped. In the history of earth is there a single kid who didn't love the shit out of TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)??? This party could've just had a couple statues hanging around and I'd be in, but then I read the kicker... Vanilla Ice is performing and his back up act is Coolio (whose fee to perform is $500, two handles of Patron, and a bucket of fried chicken). I don't want to go to this party, I need to go to this party.

JAM IT OUT ICE!!!!

This Week In Jerry Jones Is Delusional

Last night after the Cowboys were absolutely dismantled by the Chicago Bears, I sent out this tweet:

Obviously this tweet was a joke, because any educated person can obviously realize that Monte Kiffin has done just an absolutely piss poor job at running this defense. Sure at one point in his career he was a brilliant defensive mind, but as of now he currently runs arguably the the NFL's worst defense in a decade. Less than 24 hours after tweeting I received this text and legit started laughing:

Speechless

Couple Given Thousands at McDonald's Drive Thru

Blogspot is majorly cock blocking my copy and paste game right now, but nevertheless, the blogging must go on. Apparently a McDonald's in Hermitage, Tennessee gave some rando couple in the the drive thru window thousands of dollars in cash via the bank deposit bag under the counter. Now I totally understand that human errors are going to happen, but how on earth does the register person just think that any bag sitting within 8 feet of the drive thru window is clear to be sold? Keep in mind these are the idiots that are currently striking to receive like fifteen dollars an hour. If you need fifteen an hour to throw a fucking meat brick in the microwave and simply move it to a piece of bread than you simply need to go kill yourself. My dog would make a better meat patty. And I literally mean that in the sense that he could not only physically make a better burger then those backwoods fucks, but if he was ground into burger meat, he would still qualify as a higher grade of beef then the nonsense those bums serve. The fast food game starts and ends at KFC, and this just simply reenforces that. You don't see people walking out of KFC twelve thousand dollars richer. Sure they had to wait 37 minutes to receive that extra biscuit they ordered, but in the end it's worth it knowing that the only thing in your drive thru bag is five double downs. Consistency is all I ask for people.

P.S- This is the dude making chicken at every KFC on earth in my mind.

P.P.S- If you listen super closely to that video he compares flea markets to mini malls, might not catch it.

So Your Friend Makes a Sex Tape.. Do You Watch???

A buddy of mine called and said that he finally made a sex tape with a smoke from our high school. I issued the usual congratulations, but then things got weird… he offered to send me the footage. Initially thats literally a dream for a kid who was absolutely enormous in the weight game in high school, but then I found out this video was filmed Tommy Lee style (tripod action for days). I then realized "Do I really want to see my former collegiate offensive lineman of a friend flop around on top of some girl for 3 minutes? Even if it featured phenomenal cinematography, I'm still not sure if I could watch. So I will leave it up to y'all:

Vote 1 for No way and vote 10 for only hells yes

Dude Eats/ Drinks Anything: Absolute Hardo or Mentally Insane???

Stumbled upon this guy today, and officially decided I need him in my entourage stat. I realize that his videos have like 5 million views so I am a little late, but that doesn't change how insane these videos are. In case you currently don't own a computer (like yours truly) the above vid is of this guy named Shoe Nice straight murdering a bottle of Patron in like 9 seconds, and then a bottle of 151 in a similar amount of time, and this isn't even close to the craziest thing he does. Below he eats a bottle of play do.

And here Shoenice is just a normal dude and eats a big mac. Followed by absolutely mercing the box it is served in.

I don't care what you say, no one is lighting up my youtube feed more than this guy right now. Each video destroys the one before it.

P.S if anyone has info on how to get Shoenice to come to my house and eat like blankets and such shoot me an email.

(h/t dodgesalisbury13 for the videos)

Jerry Jones Called Horrific by unnamed NFL GM

This headline is currently on Dallas Morning News's section about the Dallas Cowboys, and honestly this kinda article is the type of writing that makes me wonder what can ever be considered print these days. Newsflash to that GM, NO FUCKING SHIT. Everyone knows Jerry is all about Jerry, and it has now come to the point where we don't care. I speak for all Cowboy fans everywhere when I say we will take 6-10 seasons forever as long as our owner pulls power moves like owning a personal glasses cleaner.

It comes down to this, Jerry will never admit that he is wrong. That is the reason Romo is still allowed to snap the ball past minute 53 and the main reason the Cowboys are the most disappointing franchise is sports in the last decade. The only viable option to turn this team around is for Jerry to plow his final 19 year old mistress, keel over, and fucking die. But until then LETS GO BOYS!!!

P.S. The real reason the Cowboys are in the shitter is because we had the gall to fire this man. YMCA all night baby.

A-ROD Walks Out... Who Gives a Shit???

Wrong Alex Rodriquez, but with blue steel like that I honestly couldn't resist.

This story has literally been raping my twitter feed like nobody's business. Its been so over blogged and over hyped that I am going to spare you. Instead I am going to blog about what I think is not only the biggest story of the day, but quite possibly the entire decade...


THIS EXISTS!?!?!:

PIZZA ONESIE BITCHES. For the bargain price of $99 you can suit up as a pizza forever, which means quite possibly never paying for a slice again. I need one of these and I needed it yesterday. But this item isn't even the best onesie on 1991inc.com.

Check out this little ditty:

DONE. INTERNET HAS BEEN WON.

Party time baby!!!!