Champion Baptist Coach Pulls Biggest Pussy Move In 2013 At The 11th Hour

Original Story

As everyone probably knows by now, Southern University laid an absolutely merciless smack down on Champion Baptist the other day, final score, 116-12. This game made headlines everywhere due to the fact that it was just plain embarrassing for Champion Baptist that a team could do that to them. Everyone pretty much forgot about it until today when the head coach at Champion said he was disappointed in Southern for playing hard throughout the game despite having a big lead. WHAT?!?!?!? This dude clearly doesn't have any idea what sports is like. Face it dude, your team fucking blows. Yeah they had the lead and still pressed, big deal. He acts like it's every teams job to stop playing hard despite blowing a team out. I honestly cannot even believe this guy had the balls to come out and say he was disgusted by this. Now normally I'd make a top 5 list of the biggest pussy moves of 2013, but I can't think of anything even close to this. Advice for Champion Baptist: cancel your basketball program and save money. You're welcome.

A Couple Party Jams for Your New Years Eve Party

A little Stop, Drop, Roll by Can't Stop Won't Stop

Can't forget about Riff Raff Rose Gold Stripper Pole

And finally some Sound Remedy: Walk On By

Goodluck to all, and I pray that all my 5 readers make it out alive tonight.

Salz Bros Radio: Pilot Episode

Just recorded first episode of Salz Bros Radio. Will be a weekly thing we do to talk about god knows what. Feel free to comment any questions or topics you'd like to see on the next episode.

1/3 Of Americans Reject Evolution Ever Happened... Duh?

Original Story

In a recent poll conducted by God knows who, 30 percent of Americans believe that humans have looked the exact same since the beginning of time. This poll has set the world on fire, as everyone is freaking out how dumb that 30 percent are. Uh... WRONG! Those 30 percent are so right. All this nonsense that we were once monkeys is ridiculous. Would that not make us all AIDS people? Shut it down, don't want to hear it anymore. If anyone is even questioning that everyone looks like we did 5 billion years ago they need to watch this historical documentary with actual footage of the stone age; starring Ringo Starr...

Johnny Manziel And Mike Evans: "We Out Bitches!"

Original Story

Reports are flying around like crazy saying that Manziel and Evans last game will be in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl against the Duke Blue Devils. I can't even tell you how psyched I am. After this game the bar scene in College Station is going to be similar to the final Lord of the Rings battle at Gondor, just carnage everywhere. Kid will probably bring Drake and Lebron out with him on a monday night. Fun fact, I absolutely hate both of those dudes, but I would be lying to everyone if I said I would pass on becoming best friends with them out of nowhere. Manziel, Drake, Lebron, and Salzsquatch, coming to a bar/ WWE ring near you? Four Horsemen city!

Oh yeah, Evans, you're okay to hangout with I guess? You can be our J.J Dillion of you want bro, don't feel left out.

If you don't think I'm making Mike Evans give this speech every time we go out on the town then you just don't know me that well.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon Is The Frat Most Likely To Murder You... Frat

Original Story

Well looks like SAE is in for multiple pledge classes like the one pictured. Sorry bunch of fellows if you ask me. This is all due to Bloomberg News releasing a story that Sigma Alpha Epsilon is the most dangerous fraternity in the United States to pledge. Now I am not sure if all that is true, but the facts show that they have more deaths throughout the United States than any other fraternity in the last 8 years. Do I feel bad for SAE as a whole because this could do irreparable damage to the fraternity nationally? Yes. Do I actually feel bad? No. Every SAE I know blows so I don't care.

Khloe Kardashian Claims To Have Lost 30 Pounds

Original Story

This chick is becoming a joke. I'm not sure who Fudge and I blog about more now, Khloe or Jerry Jones. It's a weekly battle between the two and I'm not sure when it is going to end. In the newest edition of U.K Cosmo (can't even get a U.S cover Khloe?) Kardashian claims to have lost 30 pounds. Normally this isn't news, except I'm one million percent positive that she has said this same thing like 15 times. And not to beat a dead horse into the ground or whatever, but she doesn't look skinny in that picture, and that is with photoshop and shit. The lady is still drop dead hideous and I'm not sure anything can change that besides the gene reconstruction therapy in Die Another Day, where they can change your whole face for the greater good. 

P.S. Here's quick timeline of Khloe "losing weight"

1. 

2. 

3. 

Tim Tebow Hired As SEC Network Analyst

Original Story

Being from Dallas, my first sports blog of the day probably should be related to the Cowboy's sticking with what they are good at and finishing out of the playoffs yet again. But at this point who is even surprised that happened? Not even going to touch it at this point.

The SEC Network (affiliate of ESPN) announced today that Tebow has been hired as an analyst for them. No way? ESPN finding another way of shoving Tim Tebow down our throats? Never would've expected it. Now I don't hate Tim near as much as every other person on earth. I'm not sure why everyone is so peeved by him being a good guy and shit. Only thing that bothers me is that he has to tell us how good of a guy he is. You want to never have fun in college and be a virgin for going on 25 years (which is essentially forever)? Do you brah, just don't tell me about it. Only thing worse then the dude who doesn't party is a dude who doesn't party and makes it a point of telling everyone. Like I've said forever, can't trust a guy who doesn't booze, just frankly not possible.

P.S. Who does Tim Tebow think he is in the picture? Matching neon hat and collar? White on white? Drying that out for sure. Tim loses points with me just because he thinks he's Ricky Fowler.

Samsung Sells 110 Inch Television For Like A Billion Dollars

Original Story

Well I guess today is just shit on the Black Stallion Blogs headquarters by parading around ridiculous amounts of money all up in my face day. I just wrap up blogging about the feast of the century at Applebee's, and now this madness gets tossed in my face? And yes I realize this TV only cost 150k, but that is still insanity. Along with being the size of my house, this TV has four times the resolution of a normal TV. What kind of deranged animal is is going to watch this thing? Almost certain that you'd get motion sickness or pass out or something? New number one on my bucket list? Inherit $150,375, buy this TV, and then celebrate by attending the Applebee's bash of the millennium.

P.S. That whole motion sickness thing I mentioned? I know thats real because it happens to Fudge. Dude got a PS4 and can't play it longer than an hour because he gets nauseous. Doesn't blog like a champion, and it appears he can't game like a champion either. Peasant City.

P.P.S. This vid is so Fudge it hurts. Totally was my peasant when we were kids.

Applebee's Offering $375 New Years Eve Dinner

Original Story

First off I'd like to say you can step off the ledge now, the Salzsquatch is back from vaca and ready to spit blog magic. Wasn't quite sure what was blog worthy for my triumphant return, and then I saw this nonsense via Yahoo. Apparently nothing is to douchey for NYC during NYE, they just had to take it one step further. A restaurant whose food I wouldn't pay $37.50 for is charging $375. I realize that the fare you're going to be partaking in is far superior, but that price is still too ridiculous to even fathom. Now I'd like to sit here and rip on New York City all god damn day for being so high class, but the truth is I'm so envious of this price package it's ridiculous. $375 for an Applebee's buffet? Throwing around that kind of money is the biggest fuck you to every peasant on the face of the planet. So am I jealous I'm not sitting court side at Times Square and watching the ball drop behind a massive platter of Applebee's Chicken Crispers? Yeah I'm pretty fucking pissed.

P.S. Am I the only person wondering how the hell Alice from Telemericorp landed the job as Applebee's Executive Chef? Mind blowing career change.

Macaulay Culkin Eating Pizza Is Oddly Creepy

Why is this so creepy you ask? One because Macaulay Culkin looks exactly the same as he did in both the Home Alones, two because I 100% believe he is a psycho path that will eventually murder his whole fake Home Alone family one day. Creep City.

P.S. How the fuck did he ever land Mila Kunis. That seriously makes me contemplate if Mila is a certified psycho as well.

How Hot Is This Steve Irwin Song

So I found this on the internet today, and I have to say it's jam city baby. This song is 3 minutes of molten lava. So hot. First off anything with Steve Irwin is awesome already, but when someone remixes him to some auto tuneage it becomes an instant classic. Gotta love it. 

R.I.P. Steve

here's the link if the vid doesn't work

Worst Favorite Movie List Of All Time

So Salsquatch was firing out his list of favorite movies of all time last night, and honestly it was brutal. So here it is

1. Forest Gump
2. Moulin Rouge
3. 12 Angry Men (the original)
4. Love Actually
5. Les Miz
6. Usual Suspects
7. Hoosiers
8. Miracle
9. Casino Royale
10. Never Been Kissed

Who in there right mind puts two broadway movies, and two rom coms in their top ten movie list? Psychotic. A few of those movies potentially should be top teners, but seriously salz Moulin Rouge is your second favorite movie of all time? That's insane. Get a life bro. How Braveheart wasn't even mentioned is mind boggling. He then went on to tell me he cried like a baby during Les Miz. Absolutely sickening. I'm not going to even list my top ten because frankly its impossible.

P.S. Salz has never seen Saving Private Ryan, which that in itself, takes all movie credibility away from him. Do you even movie Squatch?

Christmas Break Blog

Well tomorrow I pack up from good ole College Station and head West (I think? Could be East) to Dallas. Who knows what fun is waiting for me but be forewarned, your going to have to find something else to occupy you're time, as I will be on the blogging IR list. If you are lucky I may have time to post a couple here or there, but don't get your hopes up. However when I'm back, big things are happening at Black Stallions Blog's headquarters. There even could be some radio happening in the near future. Either way, thanks for reading and Merry Christmas you filthy animals. Salz out!

PR Rep For Owners of Match.com And College Humor Has Tweet Of The Year

This tweet has gone absolutely bonkers viral today. It's murdering my twitter timeline, and straight up, I laugh out loud every single time I read it. This is something that you're drunk college friend tweets after 23 beers, and this lady tweeted it out right before boarding a plane to Africa! Best part is: her flight hasn't landed yet HAHA DIABOLICAL. Justine is kicking back eating her 9th bag of mini peanuts and watching Tristan and Isolde. Meanwhile the entire world is foaming at the mouth trying to get their hands on her. Real question is does Justine Sacco actually think only black people get AIDS? Magic Johnson and the whole of Africa are currently the only people who have ever held the virus in her mind. I cannot even imagine the hell waiting for her at the airport once the African people get their carrier pigeon about this tragedy. Line of dudes lining up at gate B26 ready to run train and spread that AIDS love Justine is apparently genetically immune to. 

Kate Upton Is Single... Yawn

Original Story

In about 12 hours this story is going to be blowing up my twitter newsfeed with the exact same dumbass quote, "Kate Upton is single, so your saying theres a chance?". For one, there is literally no chance, at all. So shut up. And two, I am so absolutely furious at myself for forgetting Kate Upton on my most overrated women All American Team. She is the epitome of overrated. Now I am sure all 26 of my readers are probably saying "Hey Salzsquatch, you've said like 8 girls in the last two days are ugly. Are you sure you don't have the gay?". You idiots are the reason I write these blogs. Did I ever say I wouldn't bang them? No, I would absolutely push some rope. But for anyone to say that Kate Upton is even remotely close to the hottest women on earth is pure insanity. She looks like a teenage boy with boobs. And when you boil it all down what are boobs? Fat. Thats it, just plain old fat. 

P.S. The whole point of this original blog was to ask if a single person knows who Upton's old boyfriend Maksim Cherkovskiy is. Says he's a Dancing With the Stars regular... so still no idea what that means. Looking for a friend here.

"I Wish We Had Some Of These Players" Says Jerry Jones At UIL Championships

Original Story

For sure thought this was a story from The Onion when I first saw the headline. Apparently at the UIL Football Championships this past week Jerry "joked" that some of these players were good enough to play for Cowboys. Fun fact Jerry, they are. What's the difference between Morris Claiborne and Little Timmy from Kilgore High School? Timmy can get scored on for 1/10,000 of the price. Anyone is qualified to play defense for the Cowboys simply by being able to form words and breath. The football team at Gallaudet College (school for the deaf) can run a Cover 2 with equal deft and precision. But like any other dumb Cowboys fan I am going to get my hopes up that we beat both the Skins and the Eagles and make it to the playoffs. Prepare for some heartbreaking tweets this week, don't even care that it's Christmas. 

P.S. I don't want this 9 year old girl to be running back for us next year, I need her to. 1,900 yards and 35 scores??? Put her on my Replacements roster!!!

Be Warned, North Korea Still Has Fax Machines

Original Story

I don't even know where to begin here. This entire story just baffles me, but I can't hate on North Korea in the slightest for it. Shame on South Korea for even thinking to share a border with Kim Jong Un's empire. Where do I start? For one how fantastic is it that this even took place? Like how long has North Korea been writing this fax? Or was it just a quick "let's go shit on South Korea" decision made after Kim Jong had a big breakfast? Did his advisors suggest the fax? Being complete serious, I totally imagine Kim Jong Un bringing up the fax and none of his advisors even suggesting email. Almost like his dad just went died without giving Kim Jong Un any sort of formal "how to intimidate your neighbors training", but if anyone tells him that it's straight to the chopping block. Or it could be the opposite, no one in North Korea probably even knows a fax machine exists. Kim Jong Un just essentially invented the coolest way to communicate with people outside of that prison they call (insert North Korea capital city name here). Dude's gotta stand up next to his dad's accomplishments, Kim Jong Ill invented the double meat with cheese (cheeseburger) and shot a 38 under par his first time picking up golf clubs. Lot of things to live up to there, Un has just got to start somewhere i.e the fax machine.

Kim Basinger Lands Modeling Contract At Age 60

Original Story

IMG Models just signed Kim Basinger to a modeling contract like 10 days after her 60th birthday. Only logical response? Gross. Now don't get me wrong, I think Basinger is hot-ish for an old chick, but who wants to see old chicks modeling. Just in case you aren't familiar with Basinger, she played a Bond girl in Never Say Never Again, and Vicki Vale in Batman (both hot roles). However those movies CAME OUT IN 1983 AND 1989!!!. Almost 30 years ago. There isn't a single woman on earth who was a smoke 30 years ago and is still bangin now. Would I slip it in Basigner? Next question, she's breathing. But I sure as hell don't want to see her posing and shit. Salz out

Brian Boitano Comes Out And Absolutely Shocks The World... He's Gay

Am I missing something here? I legit thought we had this conversation 20 years ago when he became figure skating royalty. Now don't get me wrong here, I am so down with the gays. If you like dudes and you're a dude, totally cool by me. But it seems to me that there has been a direct correlation with figure skating bros coming out of the closet. I may be wrong, but that profession just strikes me as one where the overwhelming population of performers are those of the not straight persuasion. Could be just me. Either way, I could watch Boitano's quadruple toe loop all day, everyday, gay or not.

Guy Wastes 20 Months Building A Lego Car That Drives Itself

Original Story

This was one of the Today Shows fluff pieces and that's exactly what it is fluff. The fact that anyone would waste the time and money to do this is insanity. It took half a million lego pieces to build this sucker (which is like 27 bucks or something like that). This just proves that anything sort of performance marathon can make news. Call up the news people, I am going to set the record for the most laffy taffies munched down in a 2 week span. By the way when I first read the headline, I honestly pictured that car above with a tiny engine. Leave legos to the kids and basement trolls, the whole playing with kids toys isn't a good look on you bro.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Had Store Attendant Hold His Gun While He Tried On The Shirt He Planned To Steal?

Original Story
How about the balls on this guy? Not only is he too badass to pay for shirts, he asked the person he was robbing to hold onto his gun while he tried the shirt on. Robbing a store is one thing, but using a pellet gun to do it is pretty ballsy. And how about the dude trying on the shirt? The last time I tried on a shirt in the store I think I was 13. At a certain age you just know what size you are, no need to waste time slipping one on. Best part of the story is him asking which shirt matched his shoes. Classic bad guy move. Jaws would be proud (still on my James Bond marathon).

Creep city, but gotta respect that confidence.

Is This The Grossest Danica Pic Ever

So I stumbled upon this while browsing the internet today.... What in the fuck is all I could say. A little back story though. Supposedly in this pic she's filming her new Go Daddy super bowl commercial, doesn't matter. Who in their right mind wants to look at that shit. Barf. I fucking hate Danica with a burning passion as it is, this just put me over the top. The only reason this bitch is driving for NASCAR is because she is one of the few women that can almost successfully operate a motorized vehicle without a total meltdown. Also in what world would Go Daddy think it would be ok to make this commercial with Danica as a body builder. Gross City, population DP. 

Que my list of notably bad drivers, and its a detailed one.

1. Any type or kind of Asian

2. Women

3. Old people

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. Me when my dad let me drive as a 6 year old

P.S. Notice how men didn't make the list? That's right cause we can fucking drive with the best of 'em.

P.P.S. Is driving with a bad women driver a top 2 worst thing ever? Answer... YES

P.P.P.S. Salzquatch can suck a fatty, I'll blog when I please.

Fudge Tells ME To Step My List Game Up?!?!

Yes you read that correctly. The dude that hasn't blogged since essentially Thanksgiving commented on one of my blogs. The Fudge has the nerve to full on call my list game out when he can't even string together 100 word blogs with a video and a picture attached. Even better was his response to me yesterday when I texted him to blog it up more. Said he "was at a buddies lake house, and then ranch the next day". Apparently these cities don't have any computers or internet. I guess only certain people have it in them to cut it in the blog world these days. This morning at 6:30 AM I was spitting magic in the form of words, like the straight blanimal I am (blog animal for you poops that didn't know).

P.S. How Willis Reed of me is it to come off the bench and blog after the traumatic Biebz news I read this morning?

Biebz Says He's Retiring, Say It Ain't So!!!

Original Story

Woke up about 10 minutes ago, literally to hungover to function as a proper member of society. I snapped out of it as soon as I read this story. Biebz is retiring!?!?! I can't even believe it. What happens now? Literally the only way I survived Justin Timberlakes musical hiatus is because the Biebz surfaced. Whose going to take the Biebz place? Nobody, that's who. I'm physically distraught right now. Don't count on anymore blogs today.

Johnny Football Considering Return If Not Projected First Round

Original Story

Johnny Manziel has been hinting towards leaving for the NFL since pretty much the instant he won the Heisman this time last year. If anyone is surprised that he's pretty much set on leaving then they don't have a clue about anything. Dudes been kicking it with Drake and Lebron and those idiot Aggies think he's going to stick around to go to dollar night at the Tap? Lunatics. Johnny is going to be projected first round, he's going to pack his bags and go to the NFL, and he's literally never going to look back. Dude's Hollywood now and if you hate that you you're a squid anyways. 

P.S What frat is this at UT that thought they were above partying with Johnny Football? Probably number 12 on campus. Those dudes could deal with some help from JFF

Jennifer Lawrence Says That Calling People Fat Should Be Illegal

Original Story

This story has been floating around for the last two days and I'm not even positive this is news. Jennifer Lawrence is one of the hottest women in Hollywood, what'd we expect? Her to come out and throw smut bombs in everyone's faces and say that fatties are worse than everyone else? Please. Of course she's going to defend these people with honor. 

By the way she's totally talking about chicks right? Does the media make fun of fat dudes if they're not 700 pounds? If a guy is 6 feet tall and 240 pounds he's just normal. 40 pounds for a guy is like 9 for a girl. Maybe that's why Lawrence is all butt hurt. Planning on packing on some Llbs in the future and can't deal with the backlash she's going to get force fed. Well heed this warning Jennifer, if you get fat I will blog about it and tweet at you every day until you realize your sins. Just the way America is, deal with it or get out.

Ray Allen Will Wear Jesus Shuttlesworth Jersey A Few Games This Year

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Spike Lee tweeted this out yesterday (isn't he a die hard Knicks fan?) and then of course ESPN had to tweet out exactly the same thing. I am just baffled by this whole thing. Like once Ray Allen left Boston and joined up with Lebron did he just feel like everything he did had to challenge those fools for douche of the year? Much like James Bond is a fake person, so is Jesus Shuttlesworth. Are those penises in South Beach not content with everything that's douchey about South Beach? Do they actually have to have one of their players use a fake person's name? I'm just going to come out and say that this is no doubt Lebron's doing. "Dude Ray, you know what would be dope? Wearing a Jesus Shuttlesworth jersey, but with like the Heat. You do that, and I'll bring my purse". No doubt that it went down pretty similar to that.

I am not even quite sure how the NBA is allowing this to happen? Can rando dudes just put whatever they want on their jerseys now? If that's the case, then I fully expect every nobody in the league to have a fire ass name ready to unveil starting next week. Otherwise Lebron wins, and everyone knows we can't let that happen.

SUCK DICK AND DIE LEBRON!!!!

Doomsday Preacher Harold Camping Dies

Original Story

In case any body is unfamiliar with Harold Camping, he's the dude who predicted not once, but twice that the world was going to end. As you can probably guess, he was slightly wrong. Now I am not a super religious dude, but I have the feeling that if I was going to make a prediction that the entire world was basically going to internally combust, I would probably double check my findings a few times over before I told everyone. Just a hunch. Plain and simple this guy revolutionized the way people freak out about the Rapture. So for that I'll toss him out a quick R.I.P.

P.S. This is probably material for a later blog, but if you find out the world is ending in 10 minutes, what song are you bumping on your way out. Didn't even have to think about mine:

Salzsquatch's Overrated All-American Team

Earlier this week I posted about Khloe Kardashian and Matt Kemp being a rumored fling. In that blog I stated the Rihanna was ugly and the backlash I've received since then has been massive. Two people commented on it shaming me. Since apparently I have horrible taste in women, I figured I'd lay it all on the table and flat out list my top 5 most overrated women of today. Let's do it!

5. Kristen Stewart

Became huge around 2010? (I think). People go bananas over this chick and I've never understood it. She's hot, but nothing about her gets me all hot and bothered. 

4. K$SHA

There's zero chance thats a chick right?

3. Avril Lavigne

Now I don't know if this goes for everyone, but my friends are lunatics and think this girl is a smoke. Is she cute? Yeah I'll throw her that bone, but using hot here would be just a terrible disservice. Only thing going for her is she married the frontman for Nickelback, power move at it's purest.

2. Rihanna 

Y'all probably saw this coming, but I just don't see it at all here. Not attracted to Rihanna in the slightest. I don't know about you but not a huge fan of girls with a five head. Take a look at that thing... could land a plane there.

1. Lindsey Lohan

Ugly. All there is to say. Like with every other girl on this list, and even maybe the one dude on here, I would possibly bang them just because they're celebs. Now don't get me wrong, I realize Lohan is a certifiable dick wrecker in the sack, but even that wouldn't convince me to touch this chick with a 30 foot pole. I'll throw dryer sheets in this direction for days. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to freshen up a bit. 

Journey Guitarist Marries Smoke in Douchiest Wedding Ever

On Sunday Neil Schon, guitarist for Journey, got married to former "Real Housewives of D.C" star Michaele Holt Salahi. Now normally this would seem like a "who gives a shit" moment, which I guess it is, but its almost so "who gives a shit" that everyone needs to give a shit. These two did so many colossally ridiculous things at their wedding that I don't even know where to start. For one, they apparently paid $246,000 just to use the Palace of Fine Arts as the venue. Still not even exactly sure what that is, but it sounds important so whatever. And what is a wedding to the "stars" without celebrities of similar caliber. The guest list spanned from Omarosa, who legit could pass as Lawrence Taylor's twin brother, to Sammy Hagar. The kicker to all of this? These dickheads actually thought that the United States public cared so much about this ordeal, that they put it available to watch via pay-per-view for $14.95. $14.95!!!! Who is Neil Schon kidding thinking that that is a good idea? I cannot wait until the numbers come out on how many people actually bought this. The number might be less than 50. On a more important note, can anyone just put whatever they want on pay-per-view? Can I just call Suddenlink and tell them I need a camera crew here stat to start the pay-per-view special on me watching every James Bond movie and blogging my face off for the next 48 hours? Because if that's the case I will make that call right now.

P.S- There is no way that Michaele Salahi actually had this many bridesmaids. 

Has to be trolling everyone. Can't say I hate the move. 

Is Fudge Kidding Me With This Blog Game Right Now???

So one day I am sitting on my couch and get the brilliant idea to start a blog and become internationally famous. Now am I mean or selfish? No. I decide to take my close personal friend and brother, Fudge, along for the ride with me. Day one of blogging, Fudge kills it. Then he disappears. Didn't hear from him for days until he threw up a last second hail mary and blogged about the Cowboy's epic collapse. Monday passes, no blog (granted I took the day off also, but I also had a 14 hour work day). So today, at 2 pm when he had still yet to send out a blog, I text him and simply say, "Blog". His response? (You're not going to believe this by the way) "I'm sleeping". That's a prank right? How am I supposed to run a very small to medium- small sized smut blog when my number two man is playing tiddleywinks and having bed sores until 3 in the afternoon? If I don't start getting some solid blogs in from Fudge then I may have to get all desperate and hire my only two commentors, Not So Good Looking Keanu Reeves and that one retard Couch. It's a sad day at Black Stallion Blogs headquarters when that happens. Sad day indeed

This Week In Jerry Jones Is Delusional: Cowboy's Loss Can Be Blamed On Linebacker Injuries, Not Romo

Original Story

Did anyone not see this coming? Seriously though? Yeah linebacker injuries hurt us, but are they the sole reason our defense gives up literally 40 points a game? Absolutely not. This organization is just fucked up with top to bottom. Jones will never admit that Romo, Garrett, Kiffin, or himself are ever less than qualified to do their jobs. That is never more clear than nobody even mentioning that Romo checked out of a run play to throw the ball (which was subsequently picked off) in a game we had the lead with 4 minutes left in. The collective lack of football knowledge bouncing around this franchise continues to baffle me. The only solution? Hire me at GM. Yeah I know that all of my 14 readers are probably saying "Hey Salzsquatch, you never even played football past your freshmen year of high school,  and you straight up sucked. What makes you think you can run America's Team?" Well first off, my readers are idiots, I was a monster at defensive end. Second, who applies for a new, high profile GM job without properly making a game plan? Not Salzsquatch. First thing I do is fire everyone. Gotta start with a clean slate. Second move is hiring Jimmy McGinty to turn my squad around, no one knows where to find the scrappy players my team needs better then him. We casually stock the new look Cowboys with some unknown guys and make a run at the championship replacement style. And with a QB like Footsteps Falco there really isn't a way we lock down the NFC East, in style I might add.

Scientists Rule That James Bond Is At Risk Of Early Death Via Alcohol

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FIRE EVERYONE

Holy fuck.... How did the Cowboys find a way to screw that one up? 26-3 at halftime, but low and behold the defense can't stop shit. I could score on that joke of a defense, and that's saying something. If Jerry Jones comes out and says he still has faith in Monte Kiffin I swear to God I'll start rooting for the Texans. Shut it the fuck down Jerry. 5 consecutive drives with a touchdown is absolutely atrocious. Jason Garrett isn't gonna get a pass for this one either. Why in the hell would they continue to pass the ball that late in the game with a lead? Makes no sense. Everyone is gonna give Romo a ton of shit for this loss because of the late interceptions, but those interceptions would never have happened if Garrett had half a fucking brain, and would call a run play. Kiffen needs to fired, Garrett needs to be fired, and if there was some way in hell for Jerry Jones to be fired as the GM I need to know now. That laughing stock of a trio is a disgrace. Why am I so surprised though? This is just a classic Cowboys move. Hands down the most disappointing NFL franchise this decade. Every year every single Cowboys fan says this is our year, or were getting a super bowl this year... HA. I'm calling it though, no one will be fired this week, and next week our defense will give up 35.

Khloe Kardashian And Matt Kemp Are Rumored New Fling

Original Story

"Khloe Kardashian Matt Kemp" is currently the number one searched phrase on bing as of about 30 minutes ago. Not only do I think it's hysterical that this is overshadowing the Heisman trophy ceremony (which is honestly a complete joke by the way, we all know who wins every year and no one cares to see literally any of the content. But more on that later). First of all I think it is classic that Khloe has the nuts to start publicly banging some dude literally 24 hours after her divorce goes viral (maybe less). The best part though, is the reasoning the media has for claiming Kemp and Kardashian are dating. The evidence? See it for yourself:

Kemp and Kardashian driving behind one another, the nerve!!!

Kemp had the gall to instagram a picture of the Kardashian christmas tree? Grit and balls for days.

Are these pictures enough to convince me that these two are no doubt doing humping things in the underwear area? ABSOLUTELY. A Kardashian getting a chance at some celebrity black D? They couldn't pass that up if they tried. Khloe already failed once with Lamar (which if we're being real here, isn't really an athlete, much less a celebrity) so she decided to play hide the black thing with the MLB superstar. It's bold, but I'll respect her attempt to stay in the spotlight. 

P.S What on earth is Matt Kemp thinking? Dude was banging Rihanna and now he's resorting to these shenanigans? I'm drying that out, 100 percent.

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Trick question, they are both ugly

P.P.S- First Kris Humphries stays terrible at basketball and then Lamar Odom goes ape shit, disappears from earth on a coke binge, and then resurfaces as if nothing happened? Secret theory that the Kardashians are behind every athlete failure in today's sports. Matt Kemp was probably banging her while she was married to Lamar which is why he went down to injury at the start of the year. Sneaky move Kardashians, but I'm on to you. I got Mack Brown fired, y'all bitches be next.

Big Mack Brown Out At UT

Earlier this week it was reported that Mack Brown was planning on retiring from coaching this week and low and behold today it was confirmed. The report is that Mack left on his own accord, but lets get real, he was forced out. The last few seasons Brown has consistently come under fire for performing below average, only to pull it out at the end and finish with a solid season. I think UT was just tired of putting up with consistently being out of the BCS despite having arguably the most appealing college football program in the entire NCAA. But on the real I think they just realized that sooner or later it would come out that he was my number two suspect behind the dastardly act of getting Jameis Winston off scott free. If that news got out, UT would literally never recover. Smart move, but dumb move. Who is going to replace him? Now normally I would give a list of suggestions for UT to hire (since they obviously read Black Stallion Blogs) but every single candidate is a straight nobody so I won't even bother. Pledge City, population Austin, Texas.

Russell Westbrook... Go Fuck Yourself

Seriously though

Megyn Kelly Says Santa Is For Sure White, Everyone Flips

Umm... how is this even making any sort of news? Duh Santa is white. Is this honestly what the world has come to? Do we really even need to be talking about this? Rhetorical question! Of course we do. Santa is so white its insane. And lets just say Santa wasn't white (he totally is though) do people actually think he'd be black? Have you ever seen one of those light up Santa decorations from like 1960 and Santa is black?

CREEP CITY!

I honestly like black people as much as the next dude, but think about this for a second. Off the top of your head name the one race that if seen in your house with a gigantic bag you'd immediately suspect this person was robbing you... exactly. Santa is white because duh he's just white. I stand with Megyn Kelly on this and I will not back down. Nobody puts Salzy in the corner, nobody. 

P.S I realize that everyone is probably saying "Hey Salzsquatch, you know what is not a good look on you? Getting your first blog of the day out at 8 pm". Whatever, I had work

Is This The Worlds Best Response To Beyonce Dropping Her New Album

And there it is. No way in hell there's a better response to Beyonce's surprise of an album, and I beg y'all to find one. No one surprise drops an album on deactivatedfatgirl's watch, no one. Lord knows she cashed in the food stamps for a Beyonce iTunes album, and lord also knows she's not gonna get "a good ass lunch" either. Do what you do deactivatedfatgirl. I ain't gonna stop you, and forewarning to Beyonce, give the lady a little heads up before you start dropping fire on iTunes. 

Surprise Surprise Khloe and Lamar Are Getting Divorced

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So this probably comes as no surprise to anyone that Khole is getting a divorce with Lamar. I can't blame the lady, an over the hill meth head basketball player isn't exactly a solid catch if you ask me. In Lamars defense Yeezus isn't the prototypical husband either, let alone father. But in reality I could give two shits if they get a divorce or not, but the real question is, how fucking lucky is Lamar Odom to finally rid himself of that garbage the Kardashians call a family? He must be on top of the world right now. No more Kris Jenner, no more Bruce Jenner (I might add is about to get a sex change), and above and beyond no more Paul Bearer....... I mean Khloe. Who the fuck in their right mind would agree to be apart of that family? The chick is honestly a beast. There's no holding the man back now though. Live it up while you can Lamar, cause lord knows when the cops catch wind of this they'll be beating down your door demanding the drugs.

Que the crystal meth, hookers, and no Kardashians baby

P.S. Which ones Paul Bearer and which ones Khloe, cause I can't tell.

A

B

Should NFL Games Only Be Played Indoors?

So in classic ESPN First Take form they argue the absolute most ridiculous thing you could possibly argue, should the NFL only play games indoors? As Stephen A would say, "this is absolute blasphemy!!" Who the fuck in their right mind actually agrees with this? Yeah I know its First Take, and they would find a way to argue that it's not psychotic to wipe standing up. (Which it absolutely is by the way.) Did the producers of First Take watch football this weekend? Do they realize it was the greatest scoring weekend in football history? The Snowbowl between the Lions and Eagles was insane. Shady ran for 148 yards and 2 touchdowns in the 4th quarter alone. I understand not playing in snow for the super bowl, but its the regular season, pony up and fucking deal. Do these looneys think that every team should just pick right up and build a dome? I don't think so First Take. No sir. In all honesty I wouldn't put it past Goodell to consider this either. Goodell is the worst. Either way, for this to even be discussed makes me lose all faith in sports, and ESPN.

Also I'm giving Skip Bayless massive amounts of symp. The dude goes to war with the black community day in and day out. Every single guest they bring in is black, and sides with Stephen A. Skip just fights losing battle after losing battle, and I gotta feel for the dude. The dude can't catch a break. He never had a chance. Also the Incognito vs. Martin debate didn't do Skip any favors.

P.S. The one game I bet the over (Saints vs. Panthers) this weekend was probably the only game that didn't hit the over.

P.P.S. Sit down wipers all the way

Pope Francis Beats Out Miley Cyrus For Time's "Person Of The Year"

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This is the first thing I read on twitter this morning when I woke up and I started dry heaving. Travesty in its purest form. And yeah all 10 of my readers are probably saying "Salzsquatch, you're a professional smut peddler, of course you'd say this". My response is plain and simple, in this generation there is only one thing that is important, boners. So straight up I am going to ask, has Pope Francis ever given any of you boners? Nope. So shut up and accept the fact that when the word of the year is "selfie" then the person of the year has to be full of boners. 

P.S Every other person on Time's finalist list is more boner prone then the Pope:

The black and white flow on Hassan Rouhani is straight diabolical.